Communication Complications
by Toes of the Tickled Kind
Summary: A series of short stories all revolving around the Hogwarts students and their communication problems. First story is The Answering Machine....this is all for fun so enjoy
1. The Answering Machine

Note: This story is one-shot. It is strictly comic relief... if you don't find it funny, I'm sorry, if you do...I think I'm sorry about that as well.

This story is for Tarra Bear and Missy, who I love, no matter what her hair color, therefore she may have Sesshomaru.

Also note that these are not my characters, although the wickedly weird sense of humor belongs solely to me.

Quick idea of what is going on- Harry listens to the funniest messages on his answering machine. (If you don't agree please review with a few requests, I'd be happy to add a message for you.)

The Answering Machine

Harry walked into the entrance hall of his three room home. "Ginny I'm home," he called into the kitchen, where he could hear various pots and pans clanging about.

"Hey Harry!" Ginny called in greeting, "Can you check the machine? I haven't had time yet." Harry chuckle to himself, he had a theory about Ginny and the "confounded muggle machine" and it didn't involve cream colored lingerie or warm cuddly feelings. Shaking the mental image he pushed the play button.

"You have 73 new messages," the monotone voice said, "Message One: "Harry Potter!" his aunt's voice screeched at him, "This is your aunt Petunia! What did you do to my Diddykins?!"" The sound of the phone being dropped and the machine cut off. Harry chuckled again. Ginny groaned from the kitchen.

"Harry!" she admonished, "you didn't!" Harry just laughed louder at the sound of more pots and pans. Harry was grinning like a kid who had just found his father's stash of porn.

"Message Two," the machine began, "Boy!" this time it was his uncle's voice yelling across the great distance, "Harry what did you do to my son?! Your aunt's in a right fit. Dudley's floating whispers angrily the neighbors are staring!"" The answering machine cut off again. Harry could just imagine the vein in his uncle's forehead popping. Harry listened to sixty some other messages from his relatives, laughing. In a few hours the ministry would show up and fix Dudley, then memory charm them into silent, bliss normalcy. No one would remember that Harry had charmed his cousin to swell with every dirty thought that passed through the man's head, until he was so filled with...well Helium... Harry snickered at the thought that the large boy had begun to float.

"Message sixty-five, "Harry!" Hermione sobbed hysterically into the phone, "I think Ron's cheating on meeeeeee! He's so distanttttt!... I sob think sob he's sob cheating sob with Malfoyyyyyyy!" Then Hermione mumbled something quite unintelligible into the phone and hung up.

Harry sighed; Ron wasn't cheating on Hermione...that he knew of... Maybe I should do some super sleuthing, Harry thought to himself. There were a few more messages from his uncle, which he promptly skipped over.

"Message seventy-two, "Hello..."

"Harry mate," the twins' voices erupted from the machine, "Are you sure you won't sell us your cousin?"

"We'd give him a nice big cage with a water bottle and..."

"An exercise wheel, and some food pellets," Fred finished.

Harry sighed and said to himself, "That's how you take care of a hamster, you guys."

"Message seventy-three," the machine toned, "Harry Potter, I will get you. I will slit your throat and play with your entrails, I will..." Voldermort's voice droned on.

"Master, what are you doing" Peter Pettigrew's voice demanded from the other end of the line.

"Shhh, I'm sneak attacking Harry Potter, you hear that Potter? I'm going to get you tomorrow at three o'clock!"

"What did I tell you about using the phone?" Pettigrew asked patiently as if he were reprimanding a child for eating a cookie before dinner. There was the sound of a slight scuffle and Peter said, "Further more, what did I tell you about crossing the ocean?"

"Crossing the ocean would be bad," said Voldermort obediently, "Because President Bush would think of it as a terrorist attack."

"That's right," Peter said happily. Before the phone was hung up Harry heard Pettigrew mutter "poor old codger, he really is getting senile in his old age.""

Harry laughed, he laughed so hard he had to sit down, just to discover he needed to keep moving. So he went into the kitchen to kiss Ginny.

He heard the phone ring and let the machine pick it up. As he deepened the kiss he could vaguely hear Ron's voice in the background.

"Harrrrrrryyyyyyyyy! I think Hermione's having an affairrrrrr!" his carrot topped friend wailed..."With Malfoy."

a/n: there it is a little ron, a little hermione, some fred and george and a happy ending insert trademark ti-he


	2. Singing Telegrams In which Draco has an ...

Postal Pal Hell

Second Story in the Communication Series

Draco Malfoy basked in the glory that was him. He really was beautiful, and he told him self that every day…well, almost every day. He sighed lightly and shifted in his reclining chair. Being devilishly handsome was no fun if there was no one there to ooh and aww over you. That's why Draco hated summer vacation.

Just the Draco heard the flutter of many wings. He looked up to see a flurry of owls carrying small men and blue letters. The owls landed upon him all at once in a great tidal wave, and sent him flying back and out of his seat. He rolled a few times, feet over head before coming to a rest spread-eagle on the cold stone floor of his mansion. He tried to get his bearings as the owls nipped at him. A small elf bowed and began singing.

"I love you, you love me," the entire room erupted into song as more elves began to sing and letters exploded with sound.

"My hands are shaking and my knees are weak, I can't seem to stand on my own two feet." Draco tried to run but the little elves pinned him down and all he could do was moan at the unnatural disaster that was his hair.

"You are my sunshine, my one and only," Draco was un-amused, although very delighted that he could make some one happy with grey skies present. What he did not like was having to lay upon the floor for the fifty some singing telegrams. He grumbled the entire time, and was extremely pissed when none of them gave a name.

The next day, he again received singing telegrams. He drew the line at "Show Me the Meaning" by the Backstreet Boys.

"Who the Hell is sending me these telegrams?" Draco asked intrigued. He knew what he had to do. "This looks like a jobe for super sleuth Draco Malfoy," he said happily, and humming the Mission: Impossible theme song to himself set off on a journey.

Draco decided to start with the Creevy brothers. He knew they had numerous pictures of him. It never occurred to him that he was merely in the pictures as a by-stander, well except for the picture of Hermione punching him third year Ron mounted above the fireplace. (Rest assured, he did not know about that one.)

"Are you my secret admirer?" Draco asked rather politely, or so he thought. Dennis Creevy squeaked and was replaced by Colin. Colin looked at him like he was crazy.

"Dennis is the straight one," Colin said sardonically.

"Oh, then you're my secret admirer!" Draco said, happy he got it on one.

Colin shook his head. "Nope, I'm a one man…man," Colin said, "And me and Seamus are running away to get married in a few years." Draco sighed un unhappily, then left.

Draco's next stop was Goyle's small manor.

"Are you my secret admirer?" Draco asked and when Goyle stared at him stupidly he said, "Do you fancy me?"

Ugh!" Goyle replied, which made Draco frown, why was he an ugh?

"You're not besotted with me, then?" Draco asked.

"No! I'm in love with Crabbe," Goyle said.

"Geez, you people keep popping up like pansies," Draco said bored.

Goyle let out a girlish scream, yelled, "Pansy, where?!" and ducked into his house, leaving Draco alone on the stoop.

Utterly dispirited the next day Draco waited for the owls. The molded to his body and began to bite him in various soft places.

"Hey! No need to get violent, I'll see you all!"

"Stop! In the name of love, before you break my heart!" one telegram said. Again he was assaulted with many songs at once. He was extremely upset when he couldn't listen to the entire Spice Girl song.

The rush of owls left and grabbing his broom Draco followed closely behind.

He followed a small owl to a tall white house where none other than Harry Potter was in the backyard.

"Potter! Are you my secret admirer?" Draco asked. There was a tinkle of laughter from the house as Harry looked at the boy in horror. "What? Malfoy, you didn't by chance hit your head, HARD?"

"I'm your admirer, Malfoy," Ginny said from the door.

"Thank Gods!" Draco cried in delight, "It's a girl."

"Harry, mum says its time for lunch," Ginny said softly, and turned to walk inside.

"Hold on, is that it?" Draco asked sadly, "I don't even get a kiss?" Ginny's head snapped towards him. "Do you want a kiss, Malfoy?"

"Well, I did put up with all those owls…and they bit me in a few places I really don't like teeth…" Draco rattled on.

Ginny leaned down and placed a kiss on the boy's mouth.

"Come away with me Ginny," Draco said softly.

"Where shall we go?" Ginny asked.

"I'd say Neverland, but I hear the guy who owns it is weird…I know, Graceland!" and mounting his broom they flew away to visit The King's home.

"Hey!" Harry called behind them, "Ginny, you're my girlfriend!"

(A/N: remember its all for fun...loves me)


	3. MetroSexual Miscalculations

Metro-Sexual Miscalculations

* * *

(**A/n: I know I promised you Ron Herms next**, but I wrote this while bored and decided to share it under communication complications. Ahem, would anyone like a completely seperate Ron and Hermione, or would you like one that ties into the answering machine and comes up with a plausable reason for why they both thought they were cheating with Malfoy?)

* * *

Harry watched in the mirror of the girl's restrooms as Hermione brewed another advanced potion. It seemed like lately they spent more time in Moaniny Myrtle's restroom than they did in classes. A fact that Hermione stated every chance she got.  
"You know, Harry," Hermione began, and Harry rolled his eyes, waiting for the rant that was soon to come, "I am missing Herbology, again, to make this potion for you. I hope you appreciate what I do for you." Harry nodded.  
"I appreciate you completely, Hermione," Harry snorted in his mind, he didn't appreciate her as much as Ron would like to. But that was a river Harry Potter would not cross, it was far too wide for just him.  
Noticing the dazed, and semi-comical look on Harry's face reflecting from the mirror Ron snorted. He would have said something quick and witty, but Snape took that chance to stalk into the ladies room. And stopped abruptly.  
"What are you two sixth year _boys_ doing in the _women's lavatory?_"  
"I-I-I," Ron stuttered, Harry's mouth hung open, never before had they been caught in the girl's restroom. Leave it up to Snape.  
"What are _you_ doing in the girl's lavatory, Professor Snape?" Hermione questioned suspiciously.  
"Yeah!" Harry and Ron toned. Snape's face lost what color it possed before turning a deep shade of red.  
"Never you mind!" Snape bellowed, stomping off, "I'm reporting you to McGonagall"  
"Yeah, well I'm reporting you to Child Welfare Services!" Hermione yelled back.  
Snape shot her a glare before marching off complaining about girl's restrooms and frilly pink underwear. "I don't care how pretty they make me feel," he muttered before he was out the door.  
Myrtle giggled from behind them. "He really does love frilly pink undies. He uses the girl's lavatory because the other teachers tease him about his metro-sexual ways."  
(Metro-sexual is a term me and my friends use when a guy likes to feel pretty so he takes care of his finger nails, wears pretty things, etc)  
"So, Hemione, how's that potion coming," Harry asked, disregarding that particular mental image.  
"Its almost done, by dinner Malfoy will once again be the amazing bouncing ferret"  
The three friends grinned, payback was a bitch...a bitch named Draco Malfoy. 


End file.
